So, my day starts out with a sales call from some church here in Minneapolis, where the person on the other end asked me what church my wife and children attend every Sunday. For one of the few times in my life I sat there speechless. I don't know if I was going to blow a gasket, hang up or play along with this person. Then I was thinking that it's a practical joke someone was playing on me. Just then, there was a knock on the front door.
Now, let me say this, it was about 9 a.m., I was still wearing my bathrobe - and I mean JUST my bathrobe.
I blurted out, "Well fuck me! Jesus Christ who the fuck is it?" The person on the other end of the phone call replied, "I'm sorry Sir, I called at a bad time? Maybe if I could talk with your wife?" I start to smirk as my mind just spinning. Trying to nice and sweet, I replied, "I'm sorry, he's in New Mexico right now, can you call back in December when he comes home?" The gal giggles briefly..."I'm sorry to hear that. But I do want you to know that our church does accept gay people as well."
"Oh, that's nice!" I said sarcastically. Needless to say, the dumb ass either ignored it or couldn't catch a clue from the tone of my voice. I proceeded to let her know that I'm an Atheist and we won't be interested in what ever she was trying to sell, entice or suggest. Just then she says to me,"Oh I know how you feel...life has so many windfalls and when your prayers aren't answered, turning your back on God seems like the best solution."
"Ok." I replied. "Pretending there is some sort of God or greater being is not the way to go in life lady."
Again, someone knocks on the door. Bear's ears are all perked up as he stares at the door leading to the front. I opened the living room window and told the individuals who were knocking on the door to come back later.
The lady started rambling on about God this and Jesus that - and what ever. Hell I think she even recited a hymn to me as well.
So then I started asking questions. "Doesn't it say somewhere in the Bible pertaining to homosexuality being a sin?" To that she replies, "Well yes, but we are now in the twenty-first century and we have to go with the times you know. We all can't be narrow minded this day and age."
"So you're telling me...because the people of your Christianity are now forgiving and allow homosexuality, it's no longer a sin?" A slight lull as she replies, "As I said, we all can't be narrow minded at this day and age?" "so you're saying it's ok for a man to lay with another man as he would a woman?" Before she could say another word I asked, "Seeing as your church no longer believes that part of the Bible, what other parts of the Bible does it no longer believe?"
"Well Sir, we believe everything else in the Bible." "Oh?" My thoughts were rolling like a Rolodex spinning out of control - where it stops - no body knows!
Before I could say another word, she asks..."Where do you and your partner attend church?" All I could do at that moment is stare at the wall in utter shock. "I'm sorry ma'am, but Atheists don't have churches." To my dismay she says, "Well you must have some place where you all congregate." "Yes, you're right - I forgot, we do congregate at the Saloon, Bar Fly, First Ave, the Gay 90's, Augie's and anywhere else that serves booze." "Well that doesn't sound very organized, anyone can show up there at any given time."
My eyes rolled. "Oh no ma'am, it's very organized. When they open the doors, we all go in. When they tell us they are locking the doors, we all go home. Some people pray around by the porcelain basin. Every once in a while, someone is on their knees praying for a phallus. There are many that dance and sing. But for the most part they all rejoice."
"Oh my, that does sound like a wonderful time, maybe you'd like to bring some of that type of rejoicing to our church?" The only thing that was going through my mind was 'Are you for real?' I had to hang up the phone before I started in on my Jesus masturbating routine and why Jesus was hanging out with twelve other guys out in the woods.
It was time to make my morning tea and do my morning routine of going to the bathroom. Just as my tea is done brewing, it was time for me to get off my throne and start my day. I boot up my computer and see what's been going on since last night. Just then, there's a knock on the door again. I grab my mug of tea and head down to the door.
To my surprise, there were two rather handsome young guys at my door...and I'm only wearing my bathrobe! Seeing as I haven't been awake for very long, I still had that sleepy look - which ages me by at least twenty years. So, here I am. Standing inside my doorway, in the entry of the house, my robe is about halfway open, Bear was at my side to see who was at the door as well with his tail wagging. I was shocked as one of the guys pulls out the Book of Mormon.
"Look, you guys are probably too young for me to fuck. I don't want your fucking bible and I don't believe you're Mormons, now get out of here." The one guys says, "Why don't you believe we're Mormons?" Just before I closed the door, I poked my head out and said, "If you're a real Mormon, show me your underwear." Both of their jaws dropped. Shockingly, the one guy pipes up and says, "let me see your underwear." Even though I shouldn't have, but I did it anyways...I opened my robe, exposing myself to the Mormons. I can just imagine what was going through their minds and I can almost guarantee they will never ask to see anyone else's underwear again - at least not on my front doorstep.
Once Bear and I are back in the apartment, I cruise through my emails. ChristianMingle.com - is this for real? I get an email from ChristianMingle.com - stating that this as the place to find the perfect match for me. Yeah right! That's all I need is the church lady, Mormons, Jehovah Witnesses, Evangelists, Baptists and any other religious freak in my bed praying. Sorry, but it's not going to get any bigger before, during or after I baptize you.
The only time I ever get close to being religious is when I'm about to have an orgasm. "Oh God, I"m cumming!"
I find it really amazing with so many of the religious cults these days. Their numbers are dropping drastically as more and more people are realistically viewing the Bible for what it is...a book of stories and view points of individuals throughout their lives in the way they interpret life and it's meaning. For so many years, people have been taught and believe in the bullshit which that one book has infected into the minds of so many people. It's worse than a virus or disease. Hell Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous can't match the realms of infectious religious brainwashing.
I've learned to believe and trust within myself from my experiences in my life. Showing your honor, being truthful and understanding, people respect you as the person you are and that's all I ever ask of anyone.
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