A little bit of Merlot

In the recent months there have been some drastic changes in my life. As usual I tend to follow my heart and wait for my after thoughts to catch up. What I find really remarkable is that my past is coming back and creating the future.

About 25 years ago, I had broken up with my boyfriend Jim. Like two scorned fags, it wasn't an easy break up.  Before we separated and went our ways, ripping every hair out of his head would have been an act of kindness on my part.  After months of him lying to me, finding him sleeping in our bed with his chiropractor mystery man and his deceit. In bitterness I pushed on, making my cleaning business comfortably successful.  With having custody of my son Justin and my business to attend to, it didn't take much time to heal from the scorched relationship.

Almost a year passes, I met a decent guy by the name of Jeff.  He rather nerdy, skinny and cute as hell.  Like most gay men, we have to test the product before we pursue any committed gatherings. So, yes the sex was alright. It was like fucking a duffle bag. He wouldn't move, moan or let out an emotion. About the only way I knew he was alive is when I was inside of him his pulse throbbed on my penis.

On weekends I typically had a routine where I would get together with my friends before heading out to the Pivot Club. At that time, the Pivot Club was the only gay bar in the Fox Cities. So needless to say, fags from the surrounding cities flocked there for their weekly cruising. John came up from Fond du lac with a friend who also brought a friend along, Ted and Tom from Kaukauna and John from Greenville.

John introduced his friends Jeff and Skip to us and informed us that "Skip" was straight.  At the Pivot Club we all did our usual with drinking, dancing and playing the assorted games of darts, pool and pinball. It wasn't unusual for Jeff the guy I was fucking at the time to mysteriously disappear into the DJ booth at the club.

After bar closing, we all went back over to my house for an after bar party. John from Fond du lac, his friend Jeff hooked up with my roommate Mark. Jeff the guy I was fucking went to bed in my king size round bed. Ted and Tom went back home, John from Fond du lac went over to his trick's place and my other friend John went home as well.  This left myself and this straight guy Skip sitting in the living room until the sun came up, talking.  Until this day I can't remember what all of our conversations were about, but I can tell you this, the Merlot wine was great and I was turned on by this straight guy.

As the sun was coming up, we decided it was time to get some shut eye. Just after we stood up from our chairs, we kissed deeply and passionately. Our lips were locked and the one little spark inside me had shot off like a cannon. I was in shock! With Jeff waiting for me in my bed, I was dumbfounded on which way to go. I showed Skip to my son's bed. "Are you going to sleep with me?" he asked.

I was really stunned by him asking me to sleep with him. Typically I'm not one to cheat on my boyfriend.  My mind glimpsed at everything that was happening. Skip and I had talked more in the whole time he was at my house than what Jeff and I had ever said to each other in the time we had been fucking around. I had just kissed this "straight" man who I am very attracted to and knew better than the guy who was asleep in my bed.

I made a decision which is not normal for me to do. Before we could blink, our clothes were off. Skip and I broke in my son's bed.  Sorry Justin, your old man jumped at an opportunity of a lifetime. I felt like a super homo! Business man by day, converting straight men by night. A little bit of Merlot and fairy dust and he was all mine.

That morning was the beginning to our relationship. I fell fast and deep for this man. It wasn't too long afterwards I was helping Skip move up to Appleton to be with me.  The evening we were at his trailer, moving his stuff was a day I will never forget. With good oral service and a tweek of a finger, love came in squirts.

In the months to come, my love for him grew strong. When we would sleep, we were like two ballet dancers. We spooned. I'd roll on my back, he'd roll over and sleep with his head on my chest. He'd roll to his side, I'd spoon into him. He'd roll on his back and I would nuzzle up to his soft skin. I never wanted to let him go.

Skip had gotten a job working at the Pivot Club. I could smell disaster.

With only having one vehicle working at the time, Skip drove my car to work one night.  I let him know that I needed the car in the morning for work.  He assured me that he would be home in time to get to my clients' home. As I woke, realizing Skip wasn't in bed with me I began to get worried. He wasn't on the couch, the car wasn't in the driveway, no note or even a message on the answering machine. I called out to the Pivot Club, hoping he was there with his co-workers. No one was there - no one answered. I didn't know who to call or where he would have been. After making a few calls to the only people I know who worked at the Pivot Club, I was informed that one of the employees was having an after bar party. Once I found out where it was, I was able to get a ride there.  There was Skip, asleep on the floor in the living room.

I hated to wake him up. But I had to get to work and I needed the car.  "Skip?"" Skip?" "Where are the car keys?" Slowly his eyes peaked open."In my pocket" he replied. "Well I need the car to go to work, give me the keys." As he sat up, he pulled the keys out of his pocket. "I wasn't cheating on you." he remarked. I snapped my eyes to him in shock, "I never accused you of cheating on me. I just want the keys to the car so I can go to work. You can either ride home with me or stay here."

After he handed me the keys, I went out to the car and I was surprised that he followed me. I assumed that he must have been drinking pretty heavily last night. On the way back home my mind started to spin in every direction. "Answer me this...you couldn't call me to let me know you were going to an after bar party? And why is it that when I asked you for the car keys, you immediately respond with 'I wasn't cheating on you'?" Skip turned to me and said, "I wasn't cheating on you Perry, honestly." "Well, with you making that statement out of the clear blue makes me suspicious. I never accused you of cheating on me to begin with. Now I think you are cheating on me." "Well, I'm not cheating on you Perry. I never would do that."

As the next week or so passed, I noticed we were being pulled apart. We weren't talking to each other like we usually had. He was becoming empty and cold to me. I tried to find out what I had done that made him feel so negative towards me. Nothing made sense. I was so confused. So I just figured he'd talk to me when he was ready.

Then it happened, he broke up with me. I was shattered. The man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with didn't want anything to do with me. It took me quite a while to stop the Niagara of tears.  If it wasn't for Ted & Tom, I would have become a hermit.  Ted and Tom dragged me out of the house, down to the Pivot Club. I was doing alright until I saw Skip.  Sinead O'Connor's song "Nothing Compares to You" was playing. I tried to talk with him, but he didn't want anything to do with me. All he would say is, "I don't want anything to do with you, leave me alone." After sitting at the bar, crying for a while, Ted and Tom said, "Come on, let's get the fuck out of here." From there we left for Brandy's bar in Green Bay.

After months of depression, I finally realized Skip wasn't coming back to me. That song was stuck in my head and the taste of Merlot wine was on my tongue. Years passed. Everytime I had a Merlot wine or Sinead O'Conner's song played on the radio, I only had one thought of one man who I loved so very much.

Now twenty three years later, I'm on Facebook, looking around. Sinead O'Connor's song plays and my thoughts again are on one man. So I started looking for him. I found him. I looked over his profile and his pictures. Seeing pictures of him this many years later. I wanted to send him a friend request on Facebook. But I didn't. The thought of how I felt so many years ago and the impression he gave me, made me believe he didn't want to see or hear from me again. For over a month, I would go to his Facebook page, debating if I should send him a friend request. After having some liquid courage, I sent it.  It had to be within moments after I sent the request, he approved it.

Here and there we would chat on line, making small talk. I would respond to some of his posts as he would with mine.

A couple of years  prior I had gotten out of a relationship with Robbie. As much as I wanted him back, the thought that Skip wanted me back in his life was the furthest thing from my mind. I can never say that I waited for Skip to come back to me all this time. But I did wait. I waited and waited. Once the tears dried up from hearing Sinead O'Connor singing "Nothing Compares to You" so many fucking times it would make any drama queen puke in her pumps.

Since we have started talking, he finally told me why he broke up with me. It made sense and I don't doubt everything he has told me.  Seeing as Skip had just come out of the closet when we were together years ago, he didn't have a clue on how ruthless jealous fags can be. So many miserable queers have to cause havoc. They are happy when you're miserable. And seeing as Skip just moved to the area, he was easily impressed.

My love for him has never died, just been put on hold. As much as I tried to put it on ignore, it seemed to be like hitting the snooze button. At any given moment, there were triggers which came to mind as I reflected on the good times. There were other triggers which embraced the break up. After spending a weekend at the camper, my mind was consumed with every aspect of Skip. To take him back as my lover, boyfriend or husband meant I had to put trust in myself and him once again. I'm afraid of being hurt again. It took me a long time to over come the scorn emotional and mental breakdown.

Skip and I are back together again - 23 years later and many miles apart. We both are a lot wiser. The realization of our personal emotional investment in each other is quite enormous. In some aspects it feels like we are starting over from the beginning once again. This time, he's never leaving me. I won't let him.  So when he comes in December to visit, we need to get another bottle of Merlot and start over fresh.