Hand in Hand

It's after four in the morning and I can't sleep.  I'm irritated and frustrated.  No wonder I can't sleep.

Have I ever told you about my friends Love and Trust?

Love is a very outgoing guy who enjoys life and is a very happy-go-lucky person.  Trust is also a very outgoing guy who is jolly.  Love and Trust are sweethearts and want to plan their future together. But Love worries a lot about others. He's not worried Trust would ever bestow their relationship. But he worries about others who would impede on their connection. Trust never worried about anyone attempting to impede on their connection.

No matter how much Trust had explained to Love that his love and trust for Love holds no boundaries, Love did not have the same aspects of trust with Trust.

Yes there were people who stated their interest in Love. With Love's devotion, he turned them away. As the tables turn in the same scenario within Trust, he also would turn others away. But here is where the problem arises. Trust doesn't get jealous from the advance overtures Love endures. Love, on the other hand becomes overly aggressively protective. Trust soon realizes his developed friendships begin to dissipate and feels abandoned and isolated.

No matter the distance between Love and Trust, Trust holds Love so high on a pedestal. He knows Love would never bestow their trust. Love on the other hand disapproves anyone who he feels would find Trust enlightning.

The moral of the story...if you love someone, then you also trust them. If you don't trust them, then in reality, you don't love them. Love and Trust go hand in hand.

Holy Shit!

I don't know what the fuck it is lately with all these damn religious nuts.  If they aren't at the door, they're calling or emailing me. As most of you know, I'm an Atheist. So all this crap about going to hell is suppose to frighten me some how - I don't know.  If anyone lives where the temp drops under 50 degrees for about six months, might want to also consider the alternative if there is a hell.  I sure would like to be warm during the winter months.

So, my day starts out with a sales call from some church here in Minneapolis, where the person on the other end asked me what church my wife and children attend every Sunday. For one of the few times in my life I sat there speechless.  I don't know if I was going to blow a gasket, hang up or play along with this person.  Then I was thinking that it's a practical joke someone was playing on me. Just then, there was a knock on the front door.

Now, let me say this, it was about  9 a.m., I was still wearing my bathrobe - and I mean JUST my bathrobe.

I blurted out, "Well fuck me!  Jesus Christ who the fuck is it?" The person on the other end of the phone call replied, "I'm sorry Sir, I called at a bad time? Maybe if I could talk with your wife?" I start to smirk as my mind just spinning. Trying to nice and sweet, I replied, "I'm sorry, he's in New Mexico right now, can you call back in December when he comes home?" The gal giggles briefly..."I'm sorry to hear that. But I do want you to know that our church does accept gay people as well."

"Oh, that's nice!" I said sarcastically.  Needless to say, the dumb ass either ignored it or couldn't catch a clue from the tone of my voice. I proceeded to let her know that I'm an Atheist and we won't be interested in what ever she was trying to sell, entice or suggest. Just then she says to me,"Oh I know how you feel...life has so many windfalls and when your prayers aren't answered, turning your back on God seems like the best solution."

"Ok." I replied. "Pretending there is some sort of God or greater being is not the way to go in life lady."

Again, someone knocks on the door. Bear's ears are all perked up as he stares at the door leading to the front. I opened the living room window and told the individuals who were knocking on the door to come back later.

The lady started rambling on about God this and Jesus that - and what ever. Hell I think she even recited a hymn to me as well.

So then I started asking questions. "Doesn't it say somewhere in the Bible pertaining to homosexuality being a sin?" To that she replies, "Well yes, but we are now in the twenty-first century and we have to go with the times you know.  We all can't be narrow minded this day and age."

"So you're telling me...because the people of your Christianity are now forgiving and allow homosexuality, it's no longer a sin?"  A slight lull as she replies, "As I said, we all can't be narrow minded at this day and age?"  "so you're saying it's ok for a man to lay with another man as he would a woman?" Before she could say another word I asked, "Seeing as your church no longer believes that part of the Bible, what other parts of the Bible does it no longer believe?"

"Well Sir, we believe everything else in the Bible." "Oh?" My thoughts were rolling like a Rolodex spinning out of control - where it stops - no body knows!

Before I could say another word, she asks..."Where do you and your partner attend church?" All I could do at that moment is stare at the wall in utter shock. "I'm sorry ma'am, but Atheists don't have churches." To my dismay she says, "Well you must have some place where you all congregate." "Yes, you're right - I forgot, we do congregate at the Saloon, Bar Fly, First Ave, the Gay 90's, Augie's and anywhere else that serves booze."  "Well that doesn't sound very organized, anyone can show up there at any given time."

My eyes rolled. "Oh no ma'am, it's very organized. When they open the doors, we all go in.  When they tell us they are locking the doors, we all go home. Some people pray around by the porcelain basin. Every once in a while, someone is on their knees praying for a phallus.  There are many that dance and sing.  But for the most part they all rejoice."

"Oh my, that does sound like a wonderful time, maybe you'd like to bring some of that type of rejoicing to our church?" The only thing that was going through my mind was 'Are you for real?' I had to hang up the phone before I started in on my Jesus masturbating routine and why Jesus was hanging out with twelve other guys out in the woods.

It was time to make my morning tea and do my morning routine of going to the bathroom.  Just as my tea is done brewing, it was time for me to get off my throne and start my day. I boot up my computer and see what's been going on since last night. Just then, there's a knock on the door again. I grab my mug of tea and head down to the door.

To my surprise, there were two rather handsome young guys at my door...and I'm only wearing my bathrobe!  Seeing as I haven't been awake for very long, I still had that sleepy look - which ages me by at least twenty years.  So, here I am. Standing inside my doorway, in the entry of the house, my robe is about halfway open, Bear was at my side to see who was at the door as well with his tail wagging. I was shocked as one of the guys pulls out the Book of Mormon.

"Look, you guys are probably too young for me to fuck.  I don't want your fucking bible and I don't believe you're Mormons, now get out of here."  The one guys says, "Why don't you believe we're Mormons?" Just before I closed the door, I poked my head out and said, "If you're a real Mormon, show me your underwear." Both of their jaws dropped. Shockingly, the one guy pipes up and says, "let me see your underwear." Even though I shouldn't have, but I did it anyways...I opened my robe, exposing myself to the Mormons. I can just imagine what was going through their minds and I can almost guarantee they will never ask to see anyone else's underwear again - at least not on my front doorstep.

Once Bear and I are back in the apartment, I cruise through my emails. ChristianMingle.com - is this for real? I get an email from ChristianMingle.com - stating that this as the place to find the perfect match for me. Yeah right!  That's all I need is the church lady, Mormons, Jehovah Witnesses, Evangelists, Baptists and any other religious freak in my bed praying.  Sorry, but it's not going to get any bigger before, during or after I baptize you.

The only time I ever get close to being religious is when I'm about to have an orgasm.  "Oh God, I"m cumming!"

I find it really amazing with so many of the religious cults these days.  Their numbers are dropping drastically as more and more people are realistically viewing the Bible for what it is...a book of stories and view points of individuals throughout their lives in the way they interpret life and it's meaning.  For so many years, people have been taught and believe in the bullshit which that one book has infected into the minds of so many people. It's worse than a virus or disease. Hell Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous can't match the realms of infectious religious brainwashing.

I've learned to believe and trust within myself from my experiences in my life. Showing your honor, being truthful and understanding, people respect you as the person you are and that's all I ever ask of anyone.

A little bit of Merlot

In the recent months there have been some drastic changes in my life. As usual I tend to follow my heart and wait for my after thoughts to catch up. What I find really remarkable is that my past is coming back and creating the future.

About 25 years ago, I had broken up with my boyfriend Jim. Like two scorned fags, it wasn't an easy break up.  Before we separated and went our ways, ripping every hair out of his head would have been an act of kindness on my part.  After months of him lying to me, finding him sleeping in our bed with his chiropractor mystery man and his deceit. In bitterness I pushed on, making my cleaning business comfortably successful.  With having custody of my son Justin and my business to attend to, it didn't take much time to heal from the scorched relationship.

Almost a year passes, I met a decent guy by the name of Jeff.  He rather nerdy, skinny and cute as hell.  Like most gay men, we have to test the product before we pursue any committed gatherings. So, yes the sex was alright. It was like fucking a duffle bag. He wouldn't move, moan or let out an emotion. About the only way I knew he was alive is when I was inside of him his pulse throbbed on my penis.

On weekends I typically had a routine where I would get together with my friends before heading out to the Pivot Club. At that time, the Pivot Club was the only gay bar in the Fox Cities. So needless to say, fags from the surrounding cities flocked there for their weekly cruising. John came up from Fond du lac with a friend who also brought a friend along, Ted and Tom from Kaukauna and John from Greenville.

John introduced his friends Jeff and Skip to us and informed us that "Skip" was straight.  At the Pivot Club we all did our usual with drinking, dancing and playing the assorted games of darts, pool and pinball. It wasn't unusual for Jeff the guy I was fucking at the time to mysteriously disappear into the DJ booth at the club.

After bar closing, we all went back over to my house for an after bar party. John from Fond du lac, his friend Jeff hooked up with my roommate Mark. Jeff the guy I was fucking went to bed in my king size round bed. Ted and Tom went back home, John from Fond du lac went over to his trick's place and my other friend John went home as well.  This left myself and this straight guy Skip sitting in the living room until the sun came up, talking.  Until this day I can't remember what all of our conversations were about, but I can tell you this, the Merlot wine was great and I was turned on by this straight guy.

As the sun was coming up, we decided it was time to get some shut eye. Just after we stood up from our chairs, we kissed deeply and passionately. Our lips were locked and the one little spark inside me had shot off like a cannon. I was in shock! With Jeff waiting for me in my bed, I was dumbfounded on which way to go. I showed Skip to my son's bed. "Are you going to sleep with me?" he asked.

I was really stunned by him asking me to sleep with him. Typically I'm not one to cheat on my boyfriend.  My mind glimpsed at everything that was happening. Skip and I had talked more in the whole time he was at my house than what Jeff and I had ever said to each other in the time we had been fucking around. I had just kissed this "straight" man who I am very attracted to and knew better than the guy who was asleep in my bed.

I made a decision which is not normal for me to do. Before we could blink, our clothes were off. Skip and I broke in my son's bed.  Sorry Justin, your old man jumped at an opportunity of a lifetime. I felt like a super homo! Business man by day, converting straight men by night. A little bit of Merlot and fairy dust and he was all mine.

That morning was the beginning to our relationship. I fell fast and deep for this man. It wasn't too long afterwards I was helping Skip move up to Appleton to be with me.  The evening we were at his trailer, moving his stuff was a day I will never forget. With good oral service and a tweek of a finger, love came in squirts.

In the months to come, my love for him grew strong. When we would sleep, we were like two ballet dancers. We spooned. I'd roll on my back, he'd roll over and sleep with his head on my chest. He'd roll to his side, I'd spoon into him. He'd roll on his back and I would nuzzle up to his soft skin. I never wanted to let him go.

Skip had gotten a job working at the Pivot Club. I could smell disaster.

With only having one vehicle working at the time, Skip drove my car to work one night.  I let him know that I needed the car in the morning for work.  He assured me that he would be home in time to get to my clients' home. As I woke, realizing Skip wasn't in bed with me I began to get worried. He wasn't on the couch, the car wasn't in the driveway, no note or even a message on the answering machine. I called out to the Pivot Club, hoping he was there with his co-workers. No one was there - no one answered. I didn't know who to call or where he would have been. After making a few calls to the only people I know who worked at the Pivot Club, I was informed that one of the employees was having an after bar party. Once I found out where it was, I was able to get a ride there.  There was Skip, asleep on the floor in the living room.

I hated to wake him up. But I had to get to work and I needed the car.  "Skip?"" Skip?" "Where are the car keys?" Slowly his eyes peaked open."In my pocket" he replied. "Well I need the car to go to work, give me the keys." As he sat up, he pulled the keys out of his pocket. "I wasn't cheating on you." he remarked. I snapped my eyes to him in shock, "I never accused you of cheating on me. I just want the keys to the car so I can go to work. You can either ride home with me or stay here."

After he handed me the keys, I went out to the car and I was surprised that he followed me. I assumed that he must have been drinking pretty heavily last night. On the way back home my mind started to spin in every direction. "Answer me this...you couldn't call me to let me know you were going to an after bar party? And why is it that when I asked you for the car keys, you immediately respond with 'I wasn't cheating on you'?" Skip turned to me and said, "I wasn't cheating on you Perry, honestly." "Well, with you making that statement out of the clear blue makes me suspicious. I never accused you of cheating on me to begin with. Now I think you are cheating on me." "Well, I'm not cheating on you Perry. I never would do that."

As the next week or so passed, I noticed we were being pulled apart. We weren't talking to each other like we usually had. He was becoming empty and cold to me. I tried to find out what I had done that made him feel so negative towards me. Nothing made sense. I was so confused. So I just figured he'd talk to me when he was ready.

Then it happened, he broke up with me. I was shattered. The man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with didn't want anything to do with me. It took me quite a while to stop the Niagara of tears.  If it wasn't for Ted & Tom, I would have become a hermit.  Ted and Tom dragged me out of the house, down to the Pivot Club. I was doing alright until I saw Skip.  Sinead O'Connor's song "Nothing Compares to You" was playing. I tried to talk with him, but he didn't want anything to do with me. All he would say is, "I don't want anything to do with you, leave me alone." After sitting at the bar, crying for a while, Ted and Tom said, "Come on, let's get the fuck out of here." From there we left for Brandy's bar in Green Bay.

After months of depression, I finally realized Skip wasn't coming back to me. That song was stuck in my head and the taste of Merlot wine was on my tongue. Years passed. Everytime I had a Merlot wine or Sinead O'Conner's song played on the radio, I only had one thought of one man who I loved so very much.

Now twenty three years later, I'm on Facebook, looking around. Sinead O'Connor's song plays and my thoughts again are on one man. So I started looking for him. I found him. I looked over his profile and his pictures. Seeing pictures of him this many years later. I wanted to send him a friend request on Facebook. But I didn't. The thought of how I felt so many years ago and the impression he gave me, made me believe he didn't want to see or hear from me again. For over a month, I would go to his Facebook page, debating if I should send him a friend request. After having some liquid courage, I sent it.  It had to be within moments after I sent the request, he approved it.

Here and there we would chat on line, making small talk. I would respond to some of his posts as he would with mine.

A couple of years  prior I had gotten out of a relationship with Robbie. As much as I wanted him back, the thought that Skip wanted me back in his life was the furthest thing from my mind. I can never say that I waited for Skip to come back to me all this time. But I did wait. I waited and waited. Once the tears dried up from hearing Sinead O'Connor singing "Nothing Compares to You" so many fucking times it would make any drama queen puke in her pumps.

Since we have started talking, he finally told me why he broke up with me. It made sense and I don't doubt everything he has told me.  Seeing as Skip had just come out of the closet when we were together years ago, he didn't have a clue on how ruthless jealous fags can be. So many miserable queers have to cause havoc. They are happy when you're miserable. And seeing as Skip just moved to the area, he was easily impressed.

My love for him has never died, just been put on hold. As much as I tried to put it on ignore, it seemed to be like hitting the snooze button. At any given moment, there were triggers which came to mind as I reflected on the good times. There were other triggers which embraced the break up. After spending a weekend at the camper, my mind was consumed with every aspect of Skip. To take him back as my lover, boyfriend or husband meant I had to put trust in myself and him once again. I'm afraid of being hurt again. It took me a long time to over come the scorn emotional and mental breakdown.

Skip and I are back together again - 23 years later and many miles apart. We both are a lot wiser. The realization of our personal emotional investment in each other is quite enormous. In some aspects it feels like we are starting over from the beginning once again. This time, he's never leaving me. I won't let him.  So when he comes in December to visit, we need to get another bottle of Merlot and start over fresh.

Regrouped and pushing forward

Christ it's been quite a while since I last blogged anything.  My life has consumed me in so many aspects.  If I'm not coming, I'm going.  Sitting still is hard work for me and quite frankly annoying.

For about a year now I have been trying to put together assorted charity events which to my dismay have been a challenge.  It seems I can help others accomplish their goals.  But from my experience I am realizing that when I attempt to head up an event, things seems to start falling apart.

It seems that I get everything set to happen; then before the event is to happen, there is fit that tries to splatter on the shan.  The first event I tried to put together was great!  I had some really good corporate sponsors, my advertising was well published plus the individuals who were going to the demonstrations, presentations and workshops were all hyped up.  I was stoked and ready to soar!

A couple of months before the charity event was to begin, the owner to where this venue was to take place decided he wanted to renig on the contract. So I ended up having to cancel the event. Needless to say I was extremely pissed off.  To top it off, the owner to where the venue was to take place wanted me to continue to advertise for him.  The stupid fucking twat-waffle then later tells me that his plan was to fuck me over from the beginning.

Well, since then I have regrouped. The group of guys who I am working with now are awesome! Putting all of our minds together, we have decided to create a new charity venue.

I guess this is the start of a new beginning in my life. All I have to say is that I hope I'm a success at this.  I know I have the determination and willpower to push forward.