Well, I haven't written anything for quite some time.  Maybe it's about time to put some words together and spew out what is going on with me and my life these days.

I have been really happy with the way things have come together with formulating Camp Hard Wood. I think the guys who are on the board are awesome and will make awesome coordinators for events to come.

Throughout the past couple of years I have gone through quite a bit of assorted different issues that have effected me and things going on within my life.  Some for the good, and well, the bad always brings up every behind like a skid mark on a pair of tight whites.

These last two years I fought to get on disability and that doesn't happen.  But, instead I'm put on SSI.  The difference is…not getting almost $40,000 in back pay from the time I filed.  Yeah I know I was short-changed, but at least I'm getting a check every month.  It helps! And there was no way I was going to contest the ruling for the mere fact I didn't want to wait another 2 years of not having any money to hopefully get what I feel I deserve.  For this I have learned to be humble, shut the hell up and take what they are giving me.

And now I hit another milestone in my life that I'm finding I have to face head-on. Throughout the years I have noticed that every time I get some sort of lung or bronchial infection; I'm not bouncing back as fast and up to what I used to be.  After having a long talk with the Pulmonary Specialist in the hospital this week, I have been faced with a blunt reality.  With the years of smoking, the years of painting without any respiratory filters and the years working with metalic paints/stains/epoxies, my lungs and bronchial have taken their toll.

I have known for a while that my lung disease will probably be the one thing that will end my life; I have accepted it.

There isn't a day where I don't look back on my life with the realization that I'm happy with so many things that have occurred. The word is that everything happens for a reason - more or less the cause and effect syndrome. With the many things I felt were good, there were bad things that effected me.  Yeah, well, such is life.  There really isn't much I can do about the past and the future will progress in the manner from which people create it.

Often times I ask myself…Are you happy?  Yes, I am happy.  I'm happy I can be mad, hurt, frustrated, irritated, laughing, smiling, giggling, buck ass snorting laughter, calm, content, dizzy, mesmerized, delirious and being a sarcastic asshole when the first stupid comment whisks from someone's mouth. Most of all, I love having a quick whit and a sharp tongue. Realizing the backlash of a tongue lashing on someone who deserves it seems to soothe me greatly.  I know this is why so many of my friends would refer to me as the Bitchologist.  I don't take shit from anyone.

Back to what is going on at this date in time…after talking with the Pulmonary Specialist, I have been informed that statistically the progressiveness of my lung illness, I have an average life span of about 2 years. From this I have to start making things easier for my family and friends before the time comes and I will finally be able to sleep.

After stating that, I'm going to start rambling. There are many people in my life I feel I have to say a few words to, so you know how I feel.  So, brace up, sit back and I hope you understand that the reason why I mention you is because  you have become a major part of me and my life.

To all of my grandkids - Phoenix, Elizabeth and Serenity.  You will always be my glimmer in life that will never burn out.  I cherish each and everyone one of you with all my heart.  Seeing your sassy sweet smiles, hearing your funny giggles and feeling your enormous tight hugs always made me feel every inch of your love.  I want you to know that I love each and everyone of you with all my heart.  I hope you all grow up to be as strong and loving of a person as I was and the way your parents are in your life.  And please, don't let anyone try to make you into being someone you are not.  Remember, there are things in life that you are happy with, don't let anyone take that away from you. Be you.

PEANUTS!!!

For my kids…where to start…oldest to youngest or youngest to oldest?  Ok, I'll start here…Lindsay…You are such a dynamic individual.  You have the gall and gusto to succeed every stepping stone in your path. You captured my heart when you gave me the first hug.  You have a heart of gold, a solid mind and enthusiasm of many. Every game night was a cherished moment that I carry with me everyday.  You helped bring our family together with those nights of trying to get me too drunk to play Peanuts. That didn't work!!! There are days, weeks, months and almost a year or so when we don't communicate. You know I love you with all my heart and I never want to see anything bad happen with you.  I'm very proud to have you as my daughter. You are my Golden child and I love you with all my heart.

Justin, you are my Junior.  My only living son who I try to embrace your direction in life.  I know this is where we differ and yet we are the same. There will be a day when everything will click together like a bunch of Legos and you'll say "No fucking way!" Please remember, 6 + 3 = 9, but also remember that 1 +8, or 2 +7, or 4+5 also equals 9. The route to what you are looking for is always on the last path you look down and I know you will find it. You are my Golden Child and I'm very proud of you. Justin I have loved you since the day you were born. Your Mother and I gave you your name because at the time it was unique and we felt the name gave you great stature. I believe your name still has a great stature. I just think you need to find your path that bares your name. You are a strong smart man. Everyday I think about the laughs we have had, the pranks we used to pull on each other and our little jokes we had between us. No one in this world can ever take those things away from me. We have always had a common bond. Always remember that I have always loved you with every inch of my heart.

And then there is my little brat Desiree (Rae Rae).  I love your vision. When everything is semi grey you always find the rose color gleaming out. I chuckle everyday thinking of the game nights we had. You helped bring our family together.  With all the laughs, crying, and being together - you helped bring the meaning of family into our home. I cherish you everyday. I love every moment we spend together.  You are my Golden Child, I am so proud of you and I love you deeply with all my heart. We have had some really good, fun, intense and controversial conversations.  I love it that we can disagree agreeably. We have an understanding of one another and yet we throw in our creativeness and we work together like a well oiled machine. I love it that we can talk about anything without judgment and have complete understanding of each other.

For others who are important to me in my life, Mom (Mary Ellen Halverson), Ted, Dave and John. Blood runs thicker than water. So many years ago, those who were in my life from birth have proven to me that running the path of water was the best escape. Ted and I have been the best of friends before color was invented. As a friend and a brother like figure, there is nothing in this world that could tear us apart.  We both know we have our faults, because our bonds of love and friendship overcome anything that we have had to deal with from the past. John, you have always been like that older brother to share his wisdom and entice others to do what you're too chick-shit to do yourself.  Then when no one will do it, you're the first one in line to entice the crowd. Dave, everyone thinks we're the old married couple.  Hmmm…there are days when I would say - Yup, now go away! Then there are other days I'd ask them what they were smoking and ask them to share. Throughout these last few years you have been my best friend. I guess if we would have been interested in each other in another way, we could have been a great loyal couple.  But we both realize that what we have is so much better and easier for either of us. Our life is grand and it''s nice to know others have been envious. As for my Mom; Mary Ellen, where do I begin. Since the time we both realized that recycling items was the way to go in our neighborhood, I knew I found an awesome person in my life. You are the one person who was always there for me no matter what was going on.  You spent hours out of your day to visit me when I was stuck in a hard place.  We would spend hours on your back porch eating gypsy root and snacking on crackers.  I loved it when you came to almost every birthday party and Pride party I had.  And I knew you didn't want to miss it for the world. That meant mountains for me. Looking up to you as my Mother sets the stride to succeed like you.  You really made me feel great the day you told me, "With you being an Atheist, I'd much rather spend time and learn with you on how to treat another person than from those damn people who claim to be christians in that damn church." Then when I asked you if you wanted me to punch someone…you almost said, "yes."

So with all of this…I have to say there are so many things and people within my life that have a great deal of meaning to me.  One thing that has more meaning than anything in the world is those who you encase your life with.  In life, everyone has their good and bad points.  I find it more enjoyable to be with those who see me as the person I am, not for what they want me to be.  I can only be me. I have many bonds with so many different people with many different perspectives. When you can understand an individual to their basics, building relations is the easy part.  There are so many common interests within everyone, finding them seems to be the mystery to the puzzle. My puzzle will never be complete - no matter  how hard anyone tries. I know long after I am gone, that puzzle will fill it's self in.

Throughout the last years, two more pieces of my puzzle have been put into place.  The first piece is Lisa.  I know throughout the years we have gone through so many good and bad issues.  And for the fact that you are the only woman in my life that I actually fell in love with.  Damn I wish you would have grown a penis.  Our personalities have always clashed together.  We have had a great more happy and friendly memories than the negative.  And Nancy, I'm so glad that after all the years from High School that we can pick up some or most of the pieces where things went array. I love it that we can laugh at our past, trying to recall our youth and look forward to making our friendship flourish for the future.